Warning: Apparently I have a lot more on my mind this year, as this Season Preview is a long one.  Be prepared to print it out and read it in places where you can sit down for a long period of time.  A bathroom.  I’m talking about reading it in a bathroom.

I’d be lying to every single one of you if I didn’t say this is my favorite time of year.  And I’m not in the business of fabrication, so I’ll tell it to you straight.  This is my favorite time of year.  What’s not to like?  The nightly temperature dips just low enough to warrant hooded sweatshirts and jeans.  Department stores are littered with distraught parents filling carts with Crayola products and Snack Packs, providing an oddly exciting nostalgia.  The faint rustle of dry leaves can be heard in the distance. Baseball’s September call ups are here.  Labor Day weekend.  Pro football. College football tailgates. Fantasy football.  Throwing an actual football.  Fantasy football drafts.  And writing this column.  In fact, this is by far my favorite column to write every year.  Honestly, nothing else comes close.  There’s just so much to talk about.  Like for starters, anything is possible.  Except for Phil winning the league.  Boy, his chances faded the moment he overlooked Maurice Jones-Drew’s name on the rankings in favor of Ray Rice.  Hey, we all make mistakes (see: Eddie Royal), Phil just made a lot of them.   Or how about, much like taxes and death, you can count on Hoekstra to make his annual “crazy bad fantasy pick that almost ruins an otherwise above average team.”  I think it’s in his DNA to spot these guys out, panic, and draft them 3 rounds before anybody else would.  This year’s culprit? Donald Driver.  More on that to follow.  As always, take these rankings to heart, as I’m what some might call a fantasy football Nostradamus.  After predicting myself a top the league by 2009’s end, I went on to finish a disgraceful 1-12, securing last place.  So I got that going for me.   That aside, I have added more categories to this year’s football draft recap.  Here’s what we’re working with:

Roster: Not in the league?  No worries, here’s a breakdown of the team roster.  In the league?  Well,  here’s a helpful reminder that you possibly have short term memory problems.  Quarterbacks, running backs and wide receivers only.  If you think championships are won or lost on Defense or Kickers, you’re not going to be champion this decade.  Plus, I’m lazy and it’s less for me to type.

Best Pick: Player expected to make a big impact, position drafted is also an influence.

Worst Pick: If we did the draft over, this person should not have been drafted where they were or at all.  We might be changing this to the Reggie Bush Pick soon.

Biggest Upside: Sleepers or borderline sleepers that could put the team over the top.

Biggest Downside: Risks might out way benefits for this player.

Honorable Mention: Any other decent pick or moment I noticed.

What they were thinking during the draft: That this is self-explanatory.

Most Resembles: A category I’m most excited for.  Basically, this category is what I think each person means to the league, in the form of some celebrity or athlete.

Away we go with 2010’s first set of rankings, worst to first:

10. HURRICANE DITKAS [ Phil Peterson ]

Roster:

QB’s: Jay Cutler, Mark Sanchez, Sam Bradford

RB’s: Ray Rice, Beanie Wells, Jon Stewart, Reggie Bush, Steve Slaton, Joe McKnight

WR’s: Brandon Marshall, Anquan Boldin, Santana Moss, Early Doucet, Jermichael Finley

Best Pick: Uhhhh, Jonathan Stewart?  Is there a good pick here?  Hurricane Ditka is fitting because these draft picks form a terrible catastrophe.

Worst Pick: Jay Cutler, Mark Sanchez, Beanie Wells (too early), Reggie Bush, Santana Moss, I mean, really, you pick.

Biggest Upside: Sam Bradford. Not sure why no one else thought of this, but stashing Bradford on his bench for a year could be the sneakiest pick ever.  Good thing Phil is terrible at drafting and this will, in no way, come back to bite anyone.

Biggest Downside: His quarterbacks.  Hard to win the league when you’re getting 3 points from your QB’s every week.

Favorite Pick: Sam Bradford.

Honorable Mention: Joe McKnight. Way to take a chance, Phil.  Though, maybe next time, take a chance on someone who isn’t a third string running back.

What they were thinking during the draft: You’re supposed to be woefully underprepared for a draft, right? Also, I wish there was a way to make speakers louder, someone really needs to invent some sort of “volume” system.

Most Resembles: Normally, with the combination of his moniker and the utter disaster that is his roster, I’d make a Hurricane Katrina joke here, but I’m above that now.

9. HMI FLYING SQUIRELLS [ Hunter’s dad ]

Roster:

QB’s: Matt Ryan, Chad Henne

RB’s: Frank Gore, LeSean McCoy, Joe Addai, Felix Jones, Run-DMC, Peyton Hillis

WR’s: Larry Fitz, Roddy White, Johnny Knox, Derrick Mason, Kellen Winslow, Dallas Clark

Best Pick:

Worst Pick: Everyone not named Roddy White.

Biggest Upside: Chad Henne.  Henne was putting up respectable numbers at the end of last year.  Throw in a year experience and a healthy Brandon Marshall and Henne could explode in 2010.

Biggest Downside: Shockingly, Larry Fitzgerald. Even though Anquan Boldin has left for purpler pastures, Fitzgerald now has the tag team of Matt Leinart and Derek Anderson throwing to him every week.  Everyone keep your loaded guns away from Larry.

Favorite Pick: Roddy White.  Almost took him over Ryan Mathews, but now that wouldn’t be an Adam Peterson decision, now would it.

Honorable Mention: Hunter’s dad.  For not asking, during the fifth round, if Drew Brees had already been drafted.

What they were thinking during the draft: How do I keep my position towards the bottom of the league intact for years to come?

Most Resembles: John Madden.  There’s no denying the talent, he just may have been doing it for too long to be relevant anymore.  Surprised he did not take LaDanian Tomlinson in round one, unaware of his decline.

8. LEXI LUGGERS [ Lindsey Hunter ]

Roster:

QB’s: Drew Brees, Matt Stafford, Tim Tebow

RB’s: Cedric Benson, Knowshon Moreno, Brandon Jacobs, Jerome Harrison, Darren Sproles

WR’s: Reggie Wayne, Mike Sims-Walker, Hines Ward, Vincent Jackson, T.J. Whosyourmama, Tony Gonzalez

Best Pick: Drew Brees.  Hey, someone has to score on this team… and it certainly won’t be her wide receivers.

Worst Pick: It’s so hard to just pick one. I kid. I kid.  If I had to chose one, I’d say Reggie Wayne.  In the last 7 regular season games, he scored more than 10 fantasy points exactly one time. One time.

Biggest Upside: Vincent Jackson.  If he plays, awesome pick.

Biggest Downside: Vincent Jackson.  If he doesn’t play, terrible pick.

Favorite Pick: Tim Tebow, baby!  He’s got heart… and a friar tuck hair cut.

Honorable Mention: Matt Stafford.  Could be due for a big year with his offensive weapons.  Then again, it IS the Lions.

What they were thinking during the draft: Why is everyone laughing at my picks? How was I supposed to know Terry Bradshaw is out of the league?

Most Resembles: Let’s just skip Lindsey. It’s what my PR guy would want.

7. IVAN  DRAGO’S RUSSIAN LETTERS [ Tom ]

Roster:

QB’s: Joe Flacco, Jason Campbell

RB’s: Steven Jackson, Jamaal Charles, Arian Foster, Marion Barber, Clinton Portis, Bernard Scott

WR’s: Randy Moss, Steve Smith (CAR), Mike Wallace, Devin Aromashodu, Jacoby Jones

Best Pick: Arian Foster. With Steve Slaton falling off the face of the earth, Arian Foster is set to get the bulk of the carries.

Worst Pick: Steven Jackson.  Hey, 2009 called and they want their joke of  “2008 called and they want their terrible first round fantasy draft pick back” back.

Biggest Upside: Tom and his role as the league villain.  Hunter, deep down, was always too nice to fill this spot.  Thanks for filling the void Thomas, looking forward to many more years of your dictatorship.

Biggest Downside: This whole freakin’ roster.  Talk about a sophomore slump.  How can you consistently score fantasy points when Joe Flacco and Jason Campbell are in your starting lineup? You just can’t.

Favorite Pick: Mike Wallace. After Ben Rapesalot comes back, Wallace will have stellar numbers as the Steelers top wide out.

Honorable Mention: Tom, for casually mentioning that he forgot to draft a kicker in anything but the last round just to rub it in for everyone taking kickers and defenses way too early.

What they were thinking during the draft: I win for me! FOR ME!

Most Resembles: Ivan Drago.  No explanation needed.

6. BIG BEN ROETHLISRAPERS [ Aaron Addison ]

Roster:

QB’s: Tom Brady, David Garrard

RB’s: Adrian Peterson, Matt Forte, Ricky Williams, Justin Forsett, Chester Taylor, 

WR’s: Calvin Johnson, Steve Smith (NYG), T.O., Steve Breaston, Lee Evans, Vernon Davis, Devin Hester

Best Pick: His fantasy team name.  It’s got everything.  Current event. Takes a shot at Hunter. Super dirty. Inappropriate.  Nice work, new guy.

Worst Pick: David Garrard as your back up for “Bad Knee” Brady.

Biggest Upside: Justin Forsett.  Starts the year as the top back in Seattle.

Biggest Downside: Everyone not named Tom Brady, Adrian Peterson or Calvin Johnson. Yikes, Antonio Cromartie is a more reliable as a dad then the role players on this team are as fantasy threats.

Favorite Pick: Justin Forsett.  The only other guy (besides Malcom Floyd) that I was hoping to grab.

Honorable Mention: Ridiculous team name. Drafts T.O. and Ricky Williams.  Uh oh, I think Buskirk has some competition in the league now.

What they were thinking during the draft: <while taking 5 minutes per pick> I’m not the smartest man, Jen-ny.  ( You better believe I’m IMDB’ing Forrest Gump quotes all season)

Most Resembles: Dan Buskirk aka Buskirk’s apprentice.  Anyone with a team name like this, could find themselves under the tutelage of Buskirk, setting up a grudge match down the road for when Aaron turns on his once mentor. Hey, any time I can start a fake feud, I’m gonna do it.

5. I’M HARVIN A MIGRAINE [ Josh Hoekstra ]

Roster:

QB’s: Philip Rivers, Carson Palmer

RB’s: Maurice Jones-Drew, Ryan Grant, Donald Brown, Fred Jackson

WR’s: Marques Colston, Donald Driver, Pierre Garcon, Dwayne Bowe, Kenny Britt, Jason Witten, Josh Cribbs

Best Pick: This team name for Josh.  It really has all the Hoekstra characteristics.  Minnesota reference: check. Clean: check. Mediocre play on words: check.  Cheesy joke some dad would make around his kids and their friends: check.

Worst Pick: Donald Driver.  I’m not sure what’s worse, this pick or the fact Hoekstra thought Hunter, much less anyone else, was thinking about taking Driver that early.  Hey, I mean, somebody had to take a wide receiver with two surgically repaired knees 3 rounds too early, because who needs cartilage anyways?  Worst pick of the draft.  Hell, we’re even approaching Reggie Bush with the #2 overall pick territory here.  But not quite.

Biggest Upside: Donald Brown.  With Joseph Addai piling up concussions like they’re currency, Brown (and his owners) stand the most to gain in the high powered Colts offense.

Biggest Downside: The fact Donald Driver might look like Lieutenant Dan come week 13 makes him the choice here.

Favorite Pick: Pierre Garcon.  Always one guy every year Hoekstra steals a few picks before me.  This year it was Garcon.

Honorable Mention: Josh Cribbs.  Once the Browns get rid of Jake “Oh God, he threw another Pick Six” Delhomme, Cribbs will be an offensive weapon.  Could pay off down the road.

What they were thinking during the draft: Uhhh, guys, I’m not seeing Dirk Nowitzki on my Top 200 rankings.

Most Resembles: Dirk Nowitzki.  Prolific scored. Tall, dorky white guy.  Not quite a number one guy, but is often seen like one.  Still needs to make the leap.

4. THE UNTOUCHABLES [ Matt Hunter ]

Roster:

QB’s: Aaron Rodgers, Vince Young, Ben Rapesalot

RB’s: Rashard Mendenhall, Shonn Greene, Jahvid Best, Thomas Jones

WR’s: Bernard Berrian, DeSean Jackson, Wes Welker, Percy Harvin, Devery Henderson, Braylon Edwards

Best Pick: Aaron Rodgers

Worst Pick: Ben Rapesalot.  Should have been a rule that nobody drafts that scumbag. But that’s just me.

Biggest Upside: Jahvid Best.  No one really knows what to expect out of this guy, considering he’s a Detroit Lion and all.

Biggest Downside: His wide receivers.  Or as I like to call them, “Every slot receiver in the National Football League.”  If running quick slant routes counted for fantasy points, Hunter would be set.

Favorite Pick: Aaron Rodgers.  Even though I despise the Packers, I’m okay with Rodgers doing the Sam Cassel testicle dance in Brett Favre’s face after scoring a touchdown this season.

Honorable Mention: To Hunter for putting this league together every year and not kicking me, Buskirk and Kevin out of it.

What they were thinking during the draft: Every time I read these fantasy team names, a small part of me dies.

Most Resembles: Kurt Warner. Couple of crowns.  Wiser than his age.  Old school.  Religious faith.  Family man.  Hovering around boring.  League mainstay.

3. CHRIS HENRY: BACKSEAT DRIVER [ Dan Buskirk ]

Roster:

QB’s: Peyton Manning Eli Manning, Matt Schaub, Kevin Kolb

RB’s: Michael Turner, Pierre Thomas, Cadillac Williams, Leon Washington

WR’s: Chad Ochocinco, Hakeem Nicks, Malcom Floyd, Demaryius Thomas, Louis Murphy, Brent Celek

Best Pick: Four solid quarterbacks, Dan Buskirk style.

Worst Pick: Hard to find  a bad pick, but I’ll go Pierre Thomas. Just too many RB’s in New Orleans to draft Pierre Thomas this high.

Biggest Upside: Kevin Kolb. Possibly the highest upside of any one draft pick for the given year.  He’s got the talent, he’s got the weapons, he’s got the system.  Can he produce?  Or will he get 9V batteries thrown at his skull by week 8?  You never know with Philly fans.

Biggest Downside: Ochocinco.  Relying on Ochocinco to be your number one fantasy receiver is like relying on Ochocinco to be your number one real life receiver.  Just might not work out.

Favorite Pick: Malcom Floyd. Hands down. The one guy I wanted to get out of this draft and Buskirk snatches him up.  Philip Rivers. No Vincent Jackson.  Floyd will have a big year.

Honorable Mention: To Buskirk for his magical prop work on draft night.  Not everyone can bring that level of intensity that comes with wearing three separate inside joke shirts, while also fielding calls from work as he drafts the stats from football players.

What they were thinking during the draft: Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.

Most Resembles: Terrell Owens, Chad Ochocino and “Primetime” Deion Sanders… combined.  In a good way.  Always a threat, puts up flashy numbers, not opposed to trash talk and loves his props.  Let’s be serious, who doesn’t see Buskirk doing a high step dance the moment he wins his first crown?  Buskirk brings the much needed character.

2. THE STRAIGHT CASH REDEMPTION [ Adam Peterson ]

Roster:

QB’s: Brett Favre, Donovan McNabb, Matt Cassel

RB’s: Chris Johnson, Ryan Mathews, C.J. Spiller, Michael Bush, Montario Hardesty, LDT

WR’s: Miles Austin, Michael Crabtree, Jeremy Maclin, Dez Bryant, Mike Williams
Best Pick: Chris Johnson.  This is an easy one.  Johnson, barring health, will get 50 more points than any other one fantasy player.  AKA Why Hunter should adopt an auction style draft. Little do you all know that I threw last year’s season like I was the ‘85 Knicks knowing Hunter would pull my frozen envelope last.  Okay, I’ve lost everyone now.

Worst Pick: Dez Bryant or Ladanian Tomlinson.  Dez because I probably could have had him a round later or LDT because I should have been hording sleepers by that point.

Biggest Upside: Ryan Mathews.  A potential top 3 back at the start of round 3 to start next to the top overall fantasy player? I’ll take any risk of him being a bust.
Biggest Downside: Brett Favre.  No Sidney Rice?  Percy “Migraine Attack” Harvin a constant question mark?  Favre’s ankle being in worse condition than Albert Haynesworth’s stamina?  Yea, this could be a terrible QB choice, considering pre-draft I drew a giant, red “X” next to his name, denoting to stay away.  And having feast-famine quarterbacks, Donovan McNabb and Matt Cassel as backups softens the blow like a t-shirt would a speeding bullet.

Favorite Pick: Again, this goes to Ryan Mathews.  Make all the “Adam took Ryan Matthews too early” jokes you want, but this has the potential to single-handedly win me the league.  Norv Turner is looking to have Mathews touch the ball around 290 times this year.  Throw on the fact it’s a keeper league and I would be able to keep Mathews for a second round pick next year and this could be paying off big time.

Honorable Mention: Mike Williams.  A late round nobody who goes in to the year as the Buccaneers top wide out.  Possible steal in Hunter’s new keeper system.

What they were thinking during the draft: Christ, FEMA could make a faster decision than Aaron or Hoekstra.

Most Resembles: Charles Barkley.  Talented. Bad luck.  Always close, but never a winner. Tortured soul. Turns to a media outlet to voice his frustrations about others in the league in a semi comical way.

1. LUCKY CHARMS [ Kevin Moretti ]

Roster:

QB’s: Tony Romo, Alex Smith

RB’s: DeAngelo Williams, Ronnie Brown, Ahmad Bradshaw, Tim Hightower, Toby Gerhart

WR’s: Andre Johnson, Greg Jennings, Antonio Gates, Julian Edelman, Mohammad Massaqoi, Eddie Royal

Best Pick: Tony Romo.  Should have gone over some other QB’s drafted before him.  Great value for a LOADED Cowboys offense.

Worst Pick: Eddie Royal.  Just because it’s Eddie Royal and he made me cry harder than a high school girl dumped a day before prom last year.

Biggest Upside: Ahmad Bradshaw.  If Jacobs gets hurt or stumbles out of the gate, Bradshaw and his breakaway speed could get Kevin a ton of points.

Biggest Downside: His entire running back brigade. With John Fox’s inability to choose a #1 back and Matt Moore’s ability to throw the ball downfield (unlike Delhomme), Kevin is putting a ton of responsibility on DeAngelo Williams to get him points from the RB position.  This could back fire.

Favorite Pick: Toby Gerhart.  HUGE handcuff.  Second to Bernard Scott.  If AP continues to be a Fumblesaurus Rex and Gerhart lives up to the hype, this is a good pick.  Or Kevin drops him week two.  One or the other.

Honorable Mention: Julian Edelman.  Had to do some research on this guy and I like what I see.  Kids an athlete and in the right system.  Plus, I’m a huge sleeper guy, so bonus points on this one, Kevin.

What they were thinking during the draft: Why do I waste my time in a non-money league again?

Most Resembles: Steve Nash. Intelligent, has a different understanding of the game.  Can never quite piece the right team together.  Always something (or someone) holding him back.