that pigskin sport

As head-writer and designer for one of millions of blogs out there, I feel that it is my civic duty to help the American public succeed where the FDA has clearly failed.  Granted, I’m not exactly sure what “civic duty” actually means and the only qualification I’d have for joining the FDA is the Intro to Chemistry class I took 5 years ago, but nevertheless I’m still going to help you out anyways.  I am appointing myself, FDA web-commissioner.

My first act as acting FDA web-commissioner is to issue an immediate ban on all pure marshmallow products on the market.  I’m looking at you, Easter themed peeps.  Don’t think you can hide, Circus Peanuts.  There’s no need for you, bag of multi-colored mini marshmallows.  You are really really creepy baby peep costume.  Does any sane person really like you, Moon Pie?  For too long you’ve been consuming valuable super market shelf space.  You provide no real nutritional value.  Your taste rivals that of sugar coated Styrofoam cups (we’ve all experimented, right?).  And your elastic properties are rarely found in consumable products.  All you are is fluffed sugar.  The game’s over.  In a nation full of overweight and diabetic people, we just don’t need you anymore.

Effective immediately, I’d like to, no, I implore this nation to discard its marshmallow products.  Now, before the liberals rush to expel this propaganda from the web for fear of the marshmallow’s absorbent properties clogging landfills nation-wide, I have a removal plan for our sugary foes.  It’s really quite simple.  Ship all the leftover snacks to Taiwan so we can manufacture knock-off Tempur-Pedic pillows.  Finally, we get some value out of these things.   Instead of causing Type 2 Diabetes, Circus Peanuts could help promote proper neck alignment while sleeping.  It’s a win-win.  Unless, of course, you’re the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.  But you were kind of screwed from the beginning.

Finally, for all you Rice Krispie Treat fanatics out there, marshmallows will still be available on a permit basis.  After filing the correct paperwork and submitting a copy of your birth certificate to local and state officials, you will be allotted your marshmallow ration for the entire year.  Please, make it count.