that pigskin sport

Originally, I was going to pen just one newsletter to remind you that I still exist before I slipped off in to beautiful obscurity for another 3 to 6 months. But let’s see if we can keep this thing rolling. I say this because I’ve decided sports is what I got and I’ve got a lot to say about them. And frankly, my NASCAR beanie babies are tired of listening to me. Honestly, to me, life is about finding something you care about. And I’ll be the first to tell you there are a lot of things I just don’t care about. Need someone to play guitar around a campfire? I’m not your guy. Need to know what exactly a camshaft is used for? Look elsewhere. Hoping to talk politics or the stock market? I’m not even sure why I was talking to you in the first place. Need someone to build it? Give Ray Kinsella a call. Need someone to steal it? Try Wesley Snipes’ Willie Mays Hayes character (we here at TPS like to imagine the Omar Epps casting never happened). Need someone to hit a homerun against the Seattle Mariners and send your ball club to the World Series? Well, I can tell you the red head from Little Big League is definitely not your guy. But hey, you need someone to make obscure sports movie references? Shoot me a line. Looking for someone to rattle off the 2005 Minnesota Vikings depth chart? I have email. I care about sports. Not politics. Not economics. And certainly not foreign affairs, unless Alexander Ovechkin is somehow involved. So in honor of not caring, let’s bang out another haphazard sports newsletter that reads like a 5th graders recap of Pardon the Interruption.

What would Chris Berman say…

Today’s What Would Chris Berman Say involves Baltimore Orioles outfielder and lead-off man Felix Pie. That’s right, his last name is Pie. What Would Chris Berman Say if our friend Felix cranked out a homerun:

• Felix way better than cake because he’s Pie
• Felix Pie a la Mode
• Felix 3.1415 Pie
• Felix Kept His Pie On the Ball
• Please Pass the Felix Pie Around the Bases
• He’s. My. Felix Pie
• Byyyye, byyyye, Mister Felix Pie

Hey, I never said Boomer was funny, much less an impersonation of him. That’s on you.

CONVERSATION OF THE WEEK…

This week’s COW (silent ‘t’) features newly appointed Washington Redskins coach and his personnel manager. During the offseason, Shanahan has added aging veterans Donovan McNabb, Larry Johnson and Willie Parker to a roster already featuring Clinton Portis and Santana Moss.

Mike Shanahan: Here, this is the roster I want the Redskins to compete with.

Personnel Manager: Uhhh, this looks like you just wrote “2010 Washington Redskins Roster” on a piece of tape and covered up “2005 Pro Bowl Depth Chart”

Mike Shanahan: JUST DO IT!

Personnel Manager: Yea, look, I just pulled the tape off.

Mike Shanahan: You’re fired.

Personnel Manager: Can you really fire yourself? [
Bom, bom, bommmmm ]

Mike Shanahan, Personnel Manager: My God, we were the same person the whole time.

Twist ending!

Here’s what ya do…

Frankly, today’s athletes need help. They’ve clearly lost the ability to make sound decisions. That’s where I come in. It seems to me that these athletes could use a little assistance from a mid-twenties engineer in Wisconsin who knows a thing or two about making safe decisions because, well, he’s an engineer living in Wisconsin. As a result, I’m introducing a new segment to the newsletter this week, aptly titled “Here’s what ya do…” Join me as I provide thoughtful guidance to the misled athletes of our generation.

Our first Here’s what ya do… goes out to the New York Jets’ recently acquired cornerback Antonio Cromartie. Cromartie, who, according to an ESPN report, “has fathered seven children by six women in five states” seems to be struggling to grasp the concept of… well, conception. Wow, a tough one right off the bat, let’s see if we can help him out. Antonio, here’s what ya do… YOU STOP HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX WITH RANDOM WOMEN. Seriously, even Travis Henry is like, “Damn Antonio, slow down brother, you’re only 26 years old. The thing doesn’t fall off when you turn 30, man. Trust me, I would know.”

To new Minnesota Twins closer Jon Rauch who is going for the NBA look, covering his entire body in tattoos. Jon, here’s what ya do… YOU DON’T KILL ME IN A DARK ALLEY. MY GOD YOU ARE A SCARY MAN. Seriously, neck tattoos? On a 6′11″ guy? Who can throw a baseball over 90mph? Where did the Twins find this guy? Committing various felonies?

To the Pittsburgh Steelers’ oft-troubled quarterback Ben Roethlisberger who escaped criminal charges for a second time in as many years after using a Georgia nightclub bathroom for anything but peeing, well, in a toilet at least. Ben Roethlisberger, here’s what ya do… YOU STOP DOING STUPID THINGS. ESPECIALLY NO MORE SEX IN NIGHTCLUB BATHROOMS WITH RANDOM WOMEN. GOD, DID YOU NOT READ MY FIRST HERE’S WHAT YA DO?!?!?! Oh gosh, I think I’m getting a little worked up here. Let’s tame these down a bit.

To frustrated Washington Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell who is seemingly without a job now that the ‘Skins have secured Donovan McNabb. Jason Campbell, here’s what ya do… you don’t do anything stupid like go to the Buffalo Bills. Trust me, I’ve been to Buffalo before and if a sheltered white kid from the Midwest tells you a place is boring, he probably knows what he’s talking about.

Uh oh, recently traded wide receiver Santonio Holmes appears to be in trouble with the league again. Holmes will be suspended for the opening four games of the season after violating the league’s substance abuse policy. Santonio has had drug related issues in the past, getting busted for marijuana possession back in 2008. Maybe it’s just me, but the fix seems pretty reasonable here. Mr. Holmes, here’s what ya do… YOU QUIT ABUSING DRUGS YOU FREAKIN’ MORON@!!! I CAN NOT BELIEVE HOW STUPID YOU ARE! I SWEAR, YOU FELL OUT OF THE STUPID TREE EXCEPT MISSED EVERY SINGLE BRANCH ON THE WAY DOWN CAUSE YOU’RE AN IDIOT AND DIDN’T WANT TO SLOW YOURSELF DOWN!